Silenced Insecurities

I’ve never really understood the whole blogging thing. But yet i still try over  and over again.

i’m kind of thankful that i can’t vote in this election. I honestly don’t know who i would choose. In other ways, i wish i could vote. Because that one vote could keep a loser out of there.

i’m kind of glad summer is here. I need hang out time with anyone.

I’m starting new.

I’ve held back from being myself because of certain people being around. For some reason,i cared about what they thought. But I’m not going to do that.
i’ll goof off.

i’ll say what i want to say.

I’ll sing randomly.

i’ll dress the way i want to dress.

and if i want to get a weird haircut that makes me look like a freak, i’ll do it.

like me for me and no one else.

And if you don’t,oh well…

In Acts 5 Peter and the other apostles were praching at Solomons Porch. The high priest and all those who were with them laid their hands on the apostles and put them in prison for sharing the word of God.
But at night an angel of the Lord opened the prison doors and told them to “Go stand in the temple and speak to the people all the words of this life.”
Now the high priest,the captain of the temple, and the chief preists heard these things,they wondered what the outcome would be. So one came and told them, saying “Look,the men whom you put in prison are standing in the temple and teaching the people!”
Then the captain went with the other officers and brought them without violence, for they feared the people, lest they should be stoned.
And when they had brought them, the high priest asked them,saying “Did we not strictly command you not to teach in this name? and look, you have filled Jerusalem with your doctrine, and intend to bring this Man’s blood on us!”

But Peter and the other apostles answered and said: “We ought to obey God rather than Men.”

If only we had the same opinions.I am so sick of seeing people and myself hold back from worshiping,praying,witnessing,or even wearing a certain tee-shirt all because of certain people.
reality check: We can and we should.
We’re not going to experience God if we don’t obey Him. We can’t witness,pray, or worship if we let people stand in our way.
There’s going to be a time when we’ll have to overcome our fear and pride and we stare into the faces of men and say “I choose Jesus”.
No matter what the consequence is…
We are not of this world. We are put here to shake it up and challenge the people in it. But most of us are too scared or too selfish to be the odd one or to be radical.
We need to swallow our pride and have a little faith!

You should be going to St. Paul’s Performance.
St. Paul’s UMC in Nitro, is having a dinner/theater fundraiser on Saturday, May 17th and the dance team that I’m apart of will be there to perform as a part of the entertainment.

Dinner starts at 5:30 and the entertainment at 6:30.  This is a fundraiser.  There are 13 youth going on a mission trip this summer and the church is trying to raise money to help with the costs.  So you’ll need a ticket to eat and watch the show.  Tickets are $10.00 each. 

You all should come.
I would give you a hug :]
maybe even two.

Directions:Coming from the interstate, take the Nitro/Poca exit.   Make a left, going towards Nitro.  Turn Left onto 20th St.  (Corner of Cook’s Funeral Home)  The church is across the street from the fire station.

I’m sorry i haven’t written much lately,life has been busy and I haven’t had enough time for blogging.

To start out…
I’m teaching myself how to play guitar,well…my friend Cassie is helping me alot.haha
I can play 3 whole songs….well two and a half. But I’ve only been playing for two weeks. I think my parents are getting sick of hearing Gateway Worship all of the time.
I’m determined to learn how to play “Brandy Alexander” by Feist.
i love feist.
My weekend was filled with working concession stands at our softball field and taking action shots for some parents. I’m exhausted.
i’m also aggravated at the fact that my computer won’t upload those actions shots. i need a laptop just for my photography.
I’ve been craving a new lens,but money has to be used for more important things and i’m just going to have to learn how to deal with that.

i have forgiven. And it honestly feels good. I told myself over and over that i had forgiven that person,when i knew for a fact that i didn’t.
Now all i am trying to do is love. Which can be harder than it appears. Love,love,love,love.. I think it’s one of my favorite words..which for most people isn’t very original.
But we not only have to look at the word,but we have to say it,feel it, give it, and experience it to the fullest extent and once we have done this,than we will truly appreciate such a simple word.

Our power went off today and i loved it. I sat at my window,played guitar,and watched the rain pour down.It was such a beautiful experience.
It’s like when the power went off,all the worries went away and all i could hear was either rain or complete silence.I was so thankful not to have a tv blasting in my ear.

I enjoyed today. i sat on the couch with my mother and we talked about my great-grandmother and how my Mom is so much like her.

i would really like to have a sit-down conversation. I’m busy,but not the kind of busy i want to be and I’m learning to appreciate time and having alot of it.

I’m a weirdo and i love it. Someone said to me today “hannah,out of all of the people i know you are the less poser-like of them all. you are different and i love that.”
My heart was so delighted when i heard those words. It was kind of a reminder that even though i feel like i’m just another kid, there’s a pretty good chance i could tick those other kids off with my crazy beliefs. And that is very satisfying :]

i’m going to start with the fact that I haven’t written lately because, (1.)i’ve been busy and it’s keeping me from writing.

                (2.) i haven’t had much to write about because life has had me completely amazed and i can’t put it into words.

                (3.) i don’t like to write unless it has a purpose.

So here it goes.

I went to the Stellar Kart concert at Maranatha. It was great seeing people that i hadn’t seen in 7 months. I absolutely fell in love with Fireflight and now i wish i was in a band :].haha

Jesus has been taking my breath away more and more lately. Mostly with the dance team I’m apart of.We’re being booked at places we never even dreamed about.

We were wanting to hopefully perform at National Day of Prayer but it seems like that may not happen.We can’t really contact anybody.But that may be a sign that it’s not our time. I won’t complain,If we minister at places that want us,we’ll be pretty busy.

I’m choreographing a certain part of a song and it has been fun,I’m half way done now. I’m excited to finish it because i think I have came a long way from when i started. I’m really loving dance more and more and my passion just keeps growing.

My photography has been at a stand-still. I’m wanting to do a shoot with someone/anyone in my area but i’m not sure if i can get someone.

So if you know me and your in the area,let me know and we’ll take some pictchas.haha

I’m sick of calling myself a “Christian”. I get no satisfaction out of it. When someone tells me they’re a christian,it means nothing to me.Because today in society,as long as your not serving Satan,Your considered a christian. It bothers me. No one has respect for that title.So i’ll no longer be calling myself that….atleast for a while. I may seem picky,arrogant,annoying,ect. but i really don’t care anymore.It’s just my opinion.No one ever said that you had to agree with it.

i’m so excited about Summer. I can’t wait to walk bare-foot through my grass and lay under tree’s in the middle of the day. I can’t wait to wear short sleeve shirts and sun dresses. I’m impatient. Summer can’t get here soon enough.

I can’t complain about my life. I’m content. There are always going to be things that i think would make it better,but i won’t complain because I’m breathing and i’m happy.

to start out i’d like to say that i have been so busy lately that i want to cry.

now,moving on.

i bought the book unChristian the other day. i’ve been wanting to get it for a few months and i finally did.But sadly it’s been a week and i have only had time to read one chapter =[

but,by reading that one chapter,Jesus has brought something to my attention...

here we go.

I have observed the christian lifestyles and culture, and I'm not very happy with it.I'm not very happy with the way we have presented ourselves or the things we have been focusing on.

Most christians [not all,but most] are focused on being popular.

Here’s a good example: a youth group decides that they need to get the worlds attention,they need some new way to reach hearts.But instead of doing what Jesus has been telling us to do,they do what they think will catch their attention.

[there is a big difference between Jesus and us.And we had better not get in the way of Jesus...i have learned this.]

So this keeps going on,the kids keep trying to be different from the world with cool hairstyles,cheesey tee-shirts,and trying to change the soft praise-and-worship songs into screamo. [not going against screamo,considering i love it but there are times for screamo and there are times where Praise-and-worship is needed.]

So they keep going like this to the point where other people who aren’t apart of that church see them acting this way and don’t see a difference in the two lifestyles [christian and -insert religion here-].So the kids don’t see the point of going,or they start to have negative views on these so-called christians.These people have been so wrapped up in being popular that they aren’t doing what God wants them to do,Actually God is nowhere near them.

One of my best friend’s Mom and i were talking one day about how we’ve gotten on a different path than the one God wants us on, to the point of being like “hey,this is all about God.God wants me to do this,He’ll back me up” and then looking around and realizing that He’s no where near you in that area.

Kind of scary…but it teaches you to be careful.

So all i’m saying is…i’m sick of these so-called christians that are so focused on being popular and getting someones attention that they’ll do anything.

if i offended you,i’m not sorry. I needed to realize this for myself this week.We all do that,we’re all guilty of it in some way. We’re only human…but we have to try our hardest to step away from that.

next:

i get sick of being reminded of my past.It makes me want to stop,break down,give up,and cry.But of course,the enemy would love for me to do that and that only makes me stronger.

 i’m a hypocrit.seriously.but i’m trying to step away from that. I guess in some ways we’re all hypocrits.We say one thing and we know it’s the right thing,but we do something else.

Again i say…we’re only human,but thats not a good excuse.

i like to talk,and i wish spring would come sooner.

I can’t wait to go out in my yard and lay down under the trees and just embrace it all. Its hard to find the beauty in winter.

i want a praise and worship service.
I need a praise and worship service.
I need some special time with God. when the music is so loud that i can’t hear it and i’m only focusing on him.
i need to be alive.
i’m feel empty. And how can i minister when i have nothing to give?

i never realized how disappointing it is to see someone and not be able to sit down and share things with them.learn about them,learn with them,share a little of your heart and soul. Those are the things i crave. learning things about people. The simple and the complicated. The surface and the soul. I’ve found my favorite thing to talk about is Jesus..which is something i’ve always wished i would love to talk about. [ one of my weird goals.People say if you truly love someone,than you love to talk about them. Well, My goal was to love God so much that i could just talk about him for hours.]

So anyways, i saw many friends today. Best friends and friends that i don’t know as well. But i never actually got the opportunity to sit,share,talk,love. i goofed off. i danced.But we didn’t get down to hardcore conversations.It’s like we were together,but somehow not connected. i strive to be connected. So,i guess i’m a little more complicated than i realized. i love to learn about people. hear their opinions and share mine.

I also feel a lack of love. there are tons of friends i’m really wanting to see but because of other obligations, i can’t. I’m too busy and i’m afraid that they’ll get mad or give up on the friendship because i haven’t gotten together with them. i love them,i want to see them, but i just can’t. Seriously,i’ve tried. But for now,this month. i just can’t.

So to anyone who is reading this and is thinking about me saying “lets get together!” or “I would love to hang out” . i meant it. I never say things i don’t mean. So if i said that, i’m still wanting to get together with you. I’m still wanting to learn about you and build a stronger friendship. Please have patience with me. I’m trying to have more time for people…but its kind of hard when you can’t drive.

Sin., originally uploaded by H20s Photos.

i was basically going for the fact that sin will destroys us…thats why it looks like my skin near my eye is rotting.

Jeremiah 16:17 says:
“For My eyes are on all their ways; they are not hidden from My face, nor is their iniquity hidden from My eyes”

i have another one to back this up,but i’ll post it later.

i’m needing something or someone to keep reminding me to be focused on God. I need to read my bible more. i guess i sometimes get caught up in other things that i don’t even realize i’m not paying attention to Him. So what do i do now?

i need something to get me started again.

Do you ever open your bible and see so many stories that you don’t know where to start?

thats how i feel. i want to read,i want to learn.But where do i start?

i might start using that devotional my Mom gave me.

Actually that seems like a good idea.