Silenced Insecurities

i’ve been thinking alot lately but my thoughts have been scattered.They haven’t been about one certain thing.

i got into the subject of talking about patience with someone and how it’s such a major thing that i need,especially when it comes to my faith.

i mean, i would love to be in a major full-time ministry. I have a heart for the homeless,the broken,the innocent. i guess i just have a heart for everyone.i have love for everyone.

I would love to work on the streets starting a Riot. Make people question their lifestyles and their relationship with God….but i’m only a kid. i can’t do that and i know that even though i have a passion for it right now,if i went out and tried it i would fail. I’m not ready. God is still preparing me for what i’m supposed to do. i’m anxious.i’m excited. and i’m trying to be patient.

Patience isn’t so bad.

The Fruit of the spirit is love,joy,peace,patience,kindness,goodness,faithfullness,gentleness,and self control.

It’s one of the gifts,it’s a blessing to have patience and patience can be a beautiful thing.

self control: Something else i’m learning. it feels good to have self control. No matter what area of life. I’m still working on this,so lately i’ve been focusing on Patience and Self Control but i seem to be focusing more on self control.

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i’m in a relationship.

i’m happy.

But i don’t want people to think that i jumped into this relationship without thinking about it.I don’t want people to think i went on feelings and not on what i know is right and wrong. i’m always afraid people will think i’m dating [not that i actually go on dates] just for the heck of it.It’s probably because i see so many people that date just because they think it’s the best thing [and it can be] or they think it’s just necessary.

thats not my view. i want everyone to know that. i don’t want you to sit there and think “She’s just dating to be dating.”

so, thats all i have to say for now.

goodnight.

define.

what does that even technically mean?

Who was the one that came up with the idea that something should define you?

i use to think that photography defines who i am.

it doesn’t.it only expresses my soul,my feelings,and my creativity.

i say that if my photography defines me,then walking barefoot should define me too.

So here’s a list of things that could define me.That way if your ever sitting around wondering about what “defines” me, You can just read it,or atleast it will make you think about it a little more.

jumping.

singing.

smiling when no one is looking.

bright colors.

light colors.

1 dollar rings.

a simple laugh.

walking barefoot through my front yard.

sharing.

caring.

loving anyone as much as possible.

craving a conversation.

wishing i could meet random people, in random places and have a conversation with them.

sitting.

quiet places.

dancing when no one is home.

hugging.

coffee.

photography.

writing.

worship.

praise.

knowing that worship and praise are two different things.

hanging upside-down.

of course there is so much more,but i want you, to want to learn things about me.

My momma says i can order my camera in the morning :]

i need to find some dresses to do some pictures in.

i’m in love with vintage clothing.

and light blue seems to express how i’m feeling.

wanna take some pictures?

Friday evenings i should be free for a shoot.

let me know.

“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.

He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.

In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him.

In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

Beloved, is God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.”

when i read this, it really got to me. It lays out the plan and yet most of us have a hard time following it. It seems so simple but yet we seem to struggle with it. We say we’re followers of Christ but we don’t love enough, we dont’ give second chances, we don’t forgive, we  just hold grudges.

We need help.

i don’t like the fact that no one writes letters and that everyone only writes online.

It seems like we never use a pen and paper to write down our thoughts or feeling, we just run to the computer.

Christmas makes me depressed. weird right?

well, I’m usually good until the day after and then i’m sad to an extent because it’s all over and it didn’t last long enough.

We spend 3 months getting ready for 24 hours. Sometimes our world confuses me.

 my parents blessed me with a new MP3 player,So i’ve been listening to that all day.

I’m buying some new cd’s this Friday at the mall. I haven’t bought any cd’s for myself in like 6 months. So i have some catching up to do.

I’m getting my camera next week!

Mom made me wait until after Christmas.

Nikon D40x…i hope that i love it.

i miss my friends. All of them. The close ones, the ones that i don’t know as well, the ones that i would like to know better but just don’t. I’m always missing someone.

I’ve distanced myself from friends and didn’t even realize it.

i’d love to be able to lay down and just stare at the stars all night,one night. Right in the middle of our yard on a blanket. Talking to God,or myself, or someone else. Thinking about anything possible and realizing how much it means to me.

Um, i wish that i looked like Audrey Hepburn.She was beautiful and i love her movies. Plus she didn’t weigh anything.

i have no New Year resolutions this year. It’s kind of nice to be happy.

 oh no! I just thought of a couple things.

i’m done rambling.

goodnight.

honestly, i want to take dance lessons.
Hip-Hop or ballet or both :]
ever since R.A.I.N. started, my passion for dance has sparked.
Plus,i need some new moves for a song we’re doing next. Choreographing is hardd =/
i love it, i love dancing. i love the feeling of coming up with something new or being able to do a really cool dance move.
But i have never taken lessons, i have never been able to and I would love to be able to.
Hip-Hop and ballet would be my favorites.
oh how i long to dance.

i am learning to be patient.
I am learning to wait.
and when your waiting and being patient for something especially important…it can be a beautiful thing.
I have heard that one of the best things about love is waiting for it and being patient….i think for the most part,thats true.

Cassie’s parents threw Cassie a surprise Sweet 16 party on Friday. It was tons of fun spending time with close friends.
We had an icing fight. i had so much icing on my face that it looked like war paint and when I washed it off,my face was still pink for a few hours….just ask Cody.haha
And we played Twister,which is always fun, and Charades which was interesting.We basically just goofed off and had lots of fun,and it’s what I needed.

In some ways, I’m excited about Christmas but then again I kind of dread it.
Christmas makes me stressed.
All of the spending and the loss of money and the crowds.

And lately I have been trying to figuire out if Jesus was really homeless.
There is the bible verse that says “Foxes have holes and birds have nests,but the Son of Man has no place to lay His head” [or something like that]

So I can only think of two things that it means….
1. Jesus was homeless.
or
2. Jesus wasn’t accepted anywhere that He went.

Any opinions????

anyways,
I’m really wanting some coffee right now.
and downloading Myspace IM is a pain when you have Dial-up.

i am happy. I am content. I am quiet.I am falling for you. i am honest. i am faithful. i am serious. i am weird. i am creative. i am different. i am constantly smiling. i am old fashioned. i am hopeful. i am learning. i am loving. i am in love with Jesus. i am blessed.i am praying. i am simple. i am so simple to the point of being complicated. i am growing. i am listening. i am waiting. i am patient.i am living.

i am hoping you’ll love me too.

I feel completely rushed. with everything.

A week goes by so fast, it’s completely crazy.

i feel like i’m never getting anything done.

i feel useless this week and the past two weeks.

i need to be focused.

“panegyric”- extravagant praise delivered in formal speech or writing

cool word.

I like learning cool, new words.

which kind of really stinks.

thats why I also can’t wait to get a new camera.
So It will actually charge.

I’m getting my hair cut Saturday.
I’m excited.
I’m having a new hairstyle!
nothing too dramatic though.
And I don’t want it very short,I love it when its longer.
When my hair is short,i look like my brother. [No offense,David. but I'd prefer to look like a girl.]
Then I’m putting some kind of funky color in the ends of my bangs.
i hope that it won’t look bad.
R.A.I.N. is doing a skit this Friday.It’s a christmas skit that my sister came up with.
We’re performing it Friday morning at Speak Up. I’m hoping we will all be able to stay focused.
We’re taking This month off from practices.
So, this month Cassie and I will be choreographing to a new song that we are doing next.

I’m spiritually unsatisfied.
I’m not the only one considering the fact that i had a conversation about this with someone last night at 1 in the morning.
There’s a difference between wanting so much more of God and being unsatisfied with the only part of him that you have.
And then there’s the feeling of going everywhere and never being able to experience God because of where your at and the people around you.
I’m experiencing both and it’s completely insane.
It’s horrible.
and Christian people today disappoint me.